Hi Ho Hi Ho...it's off to work I go

Here I sit. At a computer, like I've done for days on end for many years. And I'm feeling a bit defeated. I have to go back to work.

I've just applied for a position within a terrific organisation and it hit me, like a tonne of bricks. Not that I'm disappointed in the job that I have applied for, in fact I would probably really enjoy it.

Disappointed because I'm going to have to give up on pursuing something that I was really excited about and something that I know, deep down I would be great at-being an Educational Assistant or you may know them as TA's.   I've been working at the Kid's school for the past year, helping out at lunch and I came to realise that working with kids was what I always should have been doing. I love it.

Working at the school brought me back to many years ago, where I was studying for my Education Degree. Then I reflected on all my other "kid oriented" work. Nanny, swim instructor, camp councillor, coach and of course mom. This was work that was rewarding and made me happy. It's funny how life's paths can bring you back to where you began in the first place. Zigging instead of zagging, going left at the fork in the road instead of right. All roads lead you back.

I haven't had a passion for anything like this before. I am embarrassed to admit that in my entire career as an adult, I have had no passion for my work outside my home. none. zip. zero.

Don't get me wrong. I have a good work ethic, and I pride myself in a job well done. I strongly identify myself with my work and it's results. But I have come to realise that I need something to be passionate about. I need to get excited. I need to know that I am serving a purpose.
Giving back.

But sadly I have lost the gift of time and cannot afford the waiting game any longer.

My situation, like many is that we have to have two working parents. This is the reality. This is what needs to be done. So I will do it. I am fortunate to have had the luxury of  time to focus on parenting and I always knew in my heart this day was coming.
It's the times, and I want my kids to have every opportunity. I owe, I owe, so off to work I go...

Am I sad to be applying for jobs that I have traditionally had in the past. Not really. Because it's familiar and I know I'm good at that type of work. Is it the worst thing to have to go back into the work force and see people every day that can feed themselves and talk about other things besides what happened on the playground. Definitely not the worst thing I can think of.

Was my SAHM experiment a failure? In some ways. Not because I failed, but forces beyond my control have forced my hand.    

I joke that my next husband will be wealthy.
Now I had better go put a bra on and get some shit done.
Because you know I mean business when I put on underwear.

  

Welcome to a New Year...

Well, well.  Welcome to 2014. A new year is here already. Cliche to say how fast the past 12 months have flown by, but they really have.

It is also cliche to say as the new year came in I have been reflecting on the past 12 months, but as most of  us do- I have taken a look back.
It was around this time last year that I made my decision to take a break from work. It seems like a lifetime ago.
A lazy summer spent with the kids, focusing on the house, cooking more, sleeping better, trying my hand at writing... these are all things I accomplished this past year.  Doesn't seem like much, but to a burnt out mum who was not taking care of herself, huge gains.

So as my year at home comes to a close, the reality of my situation is very evident and is one that I knew all along. I am going to have to go back to work.
Unless I win the lottery, or Sting comes to his senses and realises that I was the woman for him all along.

So instead of resolving to DO a whole bunch of things that I know I'll probably never do, I'm resolving NOT TO DO a bunch of things this year. Not doing stuff seems a whole lot more achievable.

I am NOT going back to a job just because I have to, just for the paycheque. I have come to realise that my entire career has been spent working to make other people successful- and I worked hard.
I have nothing to show for it except years of sleepness nights, upset stomachs and occasional pats on the back for a job well done. I'm proud that my resume is accomplished and my list of achievements is long, but I've worked in the pink ghetto for years, making little and giving much. Office buildings in every city are full of women just like me and in the immortal words of Donna Summer working hard for the money, all of them sacrificing family and time.  In my case these were jobs taken to contribute to my household, a necessary evil. But I'm done. Time for work that rewards ME and maybe even helps other people at the same time.

As I read this over I sound very bitter, and maybe I am a little. More so angry at myself for not seeing it sooner. Disappointed in myself for not seeing the light earlier, dragging myself in everyday for a paycheque and a little piece of mind. Responsibilities ruled.
I have never once heard a male friend ask for advise on how to balance a career and home life.

I am NOT going to procrastinate. I am an admitted procrastinator, but I wasn't always this way. This is a bad habit I have allowed and it needs to stop. I procrastinate about all kinds of things, don't get me wrong shit gets done, but I am seeing it becoming habitual and it ends now. Eat my dust.

I am NOT going to apologise for how much coffee I drink or booze I consume. These are my small pleasures. Coffee with the girls and drinks with the neighbourhood gang bring me joy and lots of laughter. Pry my super-sized Tim's mug from my cold dead hand, and while you're at it pour me a rum & coke, twist of lime if you please.

I will NOT feel guilty for the size and shape of my body. I know I need to exercise more. I know I need to eat better. I will NOT be conned into sucking shakes and  feeling like I need to be a size 8. It will come in time-all part of the NOT procrastinating bit.

I just read this list over and it appears in fact that I have resolved to make a few changes. Damn it.

I hope these ones will stick.

Cootie Bugs

They're creepy and they're crawly, they're tiny and they're small-y, they're sneaky and elusive-the
LICE-Y FAMILY.
dunununu snap snap...

Yep. You read it right. Lice. the timing couldn't have been better as we geared up for Halloween. What better than some real creepy crawlies to add to the spooky spirit!

Hurricane Girlchild presented with lice about two weeks ago. I immediately began muttering a four letter swear word that begins with F and ends with K.  Repeatedly.
You see, I was a Lice Virgin.

I am so oblivious to the little critters that I had to get a second opinion from my girlfriend, then a neighbour, then the almighty interweb. I had never in my life seen the little beggars or been in contact with them, let alone know how to even begin to deal with them.

After I stopped scratching, (the power of suggestion is amazing. You're probably scratching right now...)
my OCD kicked in, and before the poor kid could blink I had her head wrapped in a kerchief, beds stripped, a frantic phone call to spouse to stop at the pharmacy and laundry running in the hottest setting I could get.

A quick text to my girlfriend that runs the daycare centre where Hurricane Girlchild's classmates attend to advise of the cooties elicited a phone call in return that was mostly laughter and comments like "it's about time, you've had a kid in school and daycare for 10 years-you've dodged a bullet this long" etc etc. I guess when you work with kids, it's so common that you don't get in a flap. She was nice enough to congratulate me on losing my virginity, which was a pat on the back. I felt like I joined some sort of club.

I emailed the school to advise of the problem. Jokingly referring to the situation like winning the lottery, and Monday morning the children all had a letter outlining the treatment and prevention. Good job school!

When Spouse arrived home that day, medicated shampoo in hand he must have thought I had fallen off my rocker. The house was in chaos and I was a woman possessed. Out of breath, sweating and scratching imaginary bugs like a meth addict, I'm sure I was quite a sight. But my efforts were worth it, all beds were laundered and re-made by bedtime, Hurricane Girlchild bathed and treated and I'm sure I didn't scratch much in my sleep.

I raised the bar on nit picking, and now fully understand the meaning behind that term. Thankfully catching the nits before they became a problem was my only sanity that week. I am certain my head would have exploded if we had a full blown infestation in the house. My girlfriend who is a hair stylist said I was lucky to catch it early as she carefully combed through my own mess of hair to make sure I hadn't picked up the little bastards.

I discussed the situation with one girlfriend and described the lengths I went to to eradicate the cootie bugs and she laughed at me. Saying "don't you think you went a little bit overboard?" I asked her if she'd let her kid sleep over-her response. "hell no". So no, I think I went just overboard enough.

So after two weeks, still no sign of the little parasites. One treatment and one hell of a lot of laundry and the little bloodsuckers were gone as fast as they arrived, at least until next time.

What makes a man sexy? A 40 something mum type perspective.

Today I exercised. The applause is unnecessary but appreciated. Thank you.

While I walked on my treadmill I treated myself to some TV, which is unusual because daytime TV generally sucks. But I happened upon Oprah, and she was interviewing LL Cool J.

'sigh' 
go ahead make fun of me.

Ladies Love Cool James.
I love Cool James. I have for ages. I grew up with him. He helped introduce a little suburban Canadian girl from the prairies to Rap music and opened the eyes of my friends and I to another world- urban America.

Plus, he is easy on the eyes, and in my opinion is getting better with age.

During the interview I was impressed with his honesty about being a ladies man, and the trappings that come with being a young celebrity, and I was not the least bit turned off by the thought of his conquests. He owned it, he was afterall attractive, wealthy and talented. Who wouldn't take advantage of the rock star lifestyle?

As I watched I was struck by how even after all of this time I still found him attractive. His smile is killer, but it's more than that, charismatic of course-but I think the fact that he has grown up was most attractive.

As I continued to walk to nowhere, feet pounding the rubber band beneath me I realised to my dismay that I may have grown up too.  I wiped the sweat from my delicatley wrinkled brow (see how I made my aging face sound attractive there?) and I started to think about how much has changed in what I find attractive about men.

At 16 LL Cool J had me with his aggressiveness, swagger and the promise of a little bit of danger. He represented so much outside my little high school and a world away from the same old boys I had been surrounded by since grade school. I can imagine him whispering in my ear and my knees buckle. Now he pulls me in with his dedication to his family, his career and community. A 40 something mum sexy trifecta.

These are the same traits I see in my friend's spouses and neighbourhood dads. At the risk of sounding like a predator-these things are attractive. I smile when I see my girlfriend's spouse laughing and playing with his children. It makes me happy for her, appreciative that she has a partner so willing to be part of the children's world. Dads who coach sports, snuggle with thier little girls and wear crowns and have tea partys. It doesn't make them less manly, if anything it makes them more human. Not just a set of abs peeking out above a pair of jeans. In my eyes more substance and appeal.

LL Having tea-seriously hot!

Don't get me wrong-I dig the rock hard abs and strong arms. I could wax on for days about his smile and skin. I am human afterall. Just google LL Cool J and you will be bombarded with pictures of him without a shirt (I'll be in my room) But his longevity is due to his growth as a man. My girlfriends overall have chosen wisely. Men who once were aggressive, had swagger and may have been a bit dangerous are now partners and good fathers to children.
My male friends sharing traits with a sex symbol even though they may not share the same physique. Keep it up boys, remember it's ok to still show us the swagger once in  awhile, and a little bit of housework will get you places.

Take a minute, click on the link below and get in the car with LL...you won't be dissapointed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdizL4on-Rc

Dumb and Dumber

Maybe I was just in a bad mood. Maybe I am making too much out of it. But yesterday I swear you could smell the stupid in my house. 

The Boy had a friend over for a little while and the entire time the two of them spent together I could feel IQ points dropping. I'm no expert on 10 year old boys, nor would I want to be. But I seriously believe these two clowns were trying to 'out dumb' one another. I tired quickly of the one upmanship-the constant need to top the other guy with yet another stupid quip that made no sense and was not the least bit funny. If these exchanges contained any dialogue that was a bit smart I'm certain feelings would be hurt and a friendship ended. But the back and forth is so mindless and truly dumb that even they aren't hurt by it. Most of it is just talking for the sake of talking. Noise for noise sake. I can be louder than you.   

Maybe this is a symptom of the times, apparently it's cool to be stupid- example Justin Bieber. 

If any 12 year old girls want to troll and make comments and threaten my life go ahead. In 5 years you'll see what a jack hole he is and laugh with your girlfriends about what asshats you were for being 'Beliebers'. Don't get me started on his dumb ass pants. 

But back to the idiots in my basement...body language,speech, terminology all changed while they were together. I may have to put my amateur scientist lab coat on and observe other subjects of the same age and see if this is an epidemic. Is it all for show? Or are these brainiacs actually 'dumbing down'? Perhaps it's brain trauma from shaking their bangs back into place? That will be a future health issue- necks damaged because of hair tossing. Mild concussions from the rapid head shaking and jerking done to make hair fall into face with out it looking like it was purposely done so.  

Did 10 year old boys of my generation act as dumb? Probably. But I was 10 too and didn't notice because I was too busy imagining being married to Indiana Jones. 

These are smart, funny, talented kids. They are athletic and articulate, interesting to talk to and very good company. So why when they are together do they regress to behavior of a spoiled 3 year old? Did I miss something here? Is it not OK to be handsome, funny and smart when you're with your friends. 

OH WAIT! then you would stand out and be noticed- I get it. Herd mentality. It's easier to put the other guy down and stay under the radar yourself. Duh mom, now who's the stupid one. I can't wait for them to be teenagers. My alcohol intake will triple. I had better get on a liver transplant list now. 

I'm crossing my fingers and hoping this is all for show. I would be embarrassed if my kid intentionally slowed his speech and responded to every question in school with a 'whatever' or an 'I know you are'. I feel sorry for the 10 year old girls that have to endure this mindless idiocy and smile and laugh and pretend to be enthralled.  

The Boy and his friend are attending a dance this weekend. Friend said the girls at the dances spend all their time in the bathroom. I didn't have the heart to tell them it's because they have to get away from all of the stupid.  

The sound of silence

Shhh...be very, very quiet. Hear that? no? well that is the sound of peace and quiet.

This is something I could get used to. I am enjoying a cup of coffee, and aside from the gentle click of my keyboard and hum of the laundry machine my house is blissfully silent.

All of this quiet got me to thinking. I am never alone. As I shuffle from room to room, gathering kids toys and dirty laundry from hampers it dawned on me. I rarely if ever have any time alone. Yes I have an hour or so before bed sometimes when spouse isn't home and kids are tucked into bed, but they are still present - in the house. I am truly not alone.

The realization here is that I am the only one I need to please at this. very. second. I am not being hounded for juice or a snack, I am not being questioned about where an item of clothing is, a favorite toy's location or what is for dinner. I am alone, and can do as I please.

A hot cup of coffee actually finished before it went cold. Chores performed with out interruption. Time to contemplate a grocery list. This all seems very small in the big scheme of things, but huge in my now stay at home mind.

I know when I signed up for this marriage and mom thing I would be giving up a lot. I'm ok with that. But now with the house silent I am coming to grips with the fact that maybe I needed some time alone. Something thinking back on my life I have never had.

Part of the journey that led me to quit work and stay at home was due to the fact that I was tired of giving. Emotionally I was spent. It was my own doing. I allowed the demands of work, home, family and community to overwhelm me. I treat others the way I expect to be treated. I don't like people to go without, I want people to experience success and I will sacrifice for them to have it. In order to do that I gained a constant line up of people vying for my attention and time. With fewer demands, I sleep better now. Teeth grinding is a thing of the past.

I sound selfish. The things I am doing right now while I am home alone are still not really just for me, they are also for my family, but I am enjoying the peace and solitude with which I am able to accomplish these tasks.
 
As school was getting closer to starting I panicked. I feared I was going to be lost and without a purpose.
But a week into the school routine and Hurricane Girlchild in Kindergarten only in the mornings still does not allow me the luxury of more time than I can fill-trust me. But it does offer me a bit of peace. I think these mornings spent alone tripping over the cat and doing mundane things like laundry could be my reward for giving so much for all of those years.

This time alone is nothing to fear.

  

You can keep my things, They’ve come to take me home

You can keep my things / They’ve come to take me home...a famous line from one of my favourite Peter Gabriel songs. 

I'm dealing with many 'things' this week in preparation for a yard sale I have decided to hold with my neighbour. Hosting a yard sale- eesh. Despite my better judgement and general loathing of garage sales and the like, I am busy gathering items to offer for sale to perfect strangers that I will invite into my yard, and allow to filter through my excess crap. 

The Peter Gabriel reference is due to the fact that I slogged through our collection of CD's this morning in preparation for sale.  I carefully examined each case and removed the empty ones, void of their contents due to thieves who helped themselves to the glove box of our car on numerous occasions.  Seeing the empty cases made me sad. Lost is- in my opinion a great selection of music. Very eclectic and the soundtrack of many road trips for Spouse and I as we cruised through our 20's and early 30's -pre-kids.  

We long ago abandoned owning a stereo system and  recently sold enormous Cerwin Vega speakers that my husband was having an affair with for years while we waited for the kids to get older and less destructive before investing in another system to power them.  I'm sure our neighbours will appreciate this sacrifice made by Spouse.  Those speakers have great sound, but create enemies.  We like our neighbours, but I'm certain they don't share our taste in music. 

Even harder to part with was the CD's themselves. I carefully reviewed, examined and weighed the importance of each disk. I was suddenly channeling Rob the main character in High Fidelity by Nick Hornby (which BTW is a great read that I highly suggest) Each disk marks a moment in time, a location where we lived and documents a decade or so of life for Spouse and I. 

How do you choose your favourites? It's like deciding which kid you like more.  Spouse and I are both kind of music nerds, not as hard core as some and for the last 10 years out of the loop when it comes to current trends-but we know what we like and enjoy it.  So I saved what I thought was iconic. Iggy Pop, Bruce Springsteen and Buffalo Tom.  I salvaged all of the "Best of" Albums and the rare Live selections.  Classics like The Jam, Billy Bragg and Wilco, all of the R.E.M. and Pearl Jam. I tried to be ruthless, knowing in my heart that I can likely find all of this music online somewhere. But something made me hang onto about half of the disks we had in our library. As far as decluttering an epic fail, but a small victory as I reluctantly part with some of the less favoured 'middle children'.   

I will place these discarded, carefully sorted disks on a table in a week or so and hope that someone will walk up offer me a dollar or two. Deep down I suspect (and maybe secretly hope) that I will end up bringing most of the box back into the house and carefully place each one back into the library of those saved from the yard sale. 
Alphabetized along with the U2 collection, wedged in between Hole, Ween and my Police collection (which will have to be pried from my cold dead hands).

I've saved the empty cases for reference. I have promised myself I will download all of those old favourites onto my iPod.  Thank you iTunes.  

I'm wiser.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDDNH7GwAWM