Tuesday, September 10, 2013

The sound of silence

Shhh...be very, very quiet. Hear that? no? well that is the sound of peace and quiet.

This is something I could get used to. I am enjoying a cup of coffee, and aside from the gentle click of my keyboard and hum of the laundry machine my house is blissfully silent.

All of this quiet got me to thinking. I am never alone. As I shuffle from room to room, gathering kids toys and dirty laundry from hampers it dawned on me. I rarely if ever have any time alone. Yes I have an hour or so before bed sometimes when spouse isn't home and kids are tucked into bed, but they are still present - in the house. I am truly not alone.

The realization here is that I am the only one I need to please at this. very. second. I am not being hounded for juice or a snack, I am not being questioned about where an item of clothing is, a favorite toy's location or what is for dinner. I am alone, and can do as I please.

A hot cup of coffee actually finished before it went cold. Chores performed with out interruption. Time to contemplate a grocery list. This all seems very small in the big scheme of things, but huge in my now stay at home mind.

I know when I signed up for this marriage and mom thing I would be giving up a lot. I'm ok with that. But now with the house silent I am coming to grips with the fact that maybe I needed some time alone. Something thinking back on my life I have never had.

Part of the journey that led me to quit work and stay at home was due to the fact that I was tired of giving. Emotionally I was spent. It was my own doing. I allowed the demands of work, home, family and community to overwhelm me. I treat others the way I expect to be treated. I don't like people to go without, I want people to experience success and I will sacrifice for them to have it. In order to do that I gained a constant line up of people vying for my attention and time. With fewer demands, I sleep better now. Teeth grinding is a thing of the past.

I sound selfish. The things I am doing right now while I am home alone are still not really just for me, they are also for my family, but I am enjoying the peace and solitude with which I am able to accomplish these tasks.
As school was getting closer to starting I panicked. I feared I was going to be lost and without a purpose.
But a week into the school routine and Hurricane Girlchild in Kindergarten only in the mornings still does not allow me the luxury of more time than I can fill-trust me. But it does offer me a bit of peace. I think these mornings spent alone tripping over the cat and doing mundane things like laundry could be my reward for giving so much for all of those years.

This time alone is nothing to fear.


No comments:

Post a Comment