Hesitation

Revisiting.
I had some drafts just sitting. Not published.
I quickly read and clicked publish.  Unfinished or not. there they are.

Why didn't I publish them when the ideas were good enough to jot down in the first place?
There they sat, for a couple of years in limbo until I had the time or fortitude to revisit.

They're not deep, just observations. So why did I hesitate?

Why do I hesitate?

My absence from this blog in a way was another hesitation. At a time when I probably should have been pouring my heart and soul out as a sort of therapy -I hesitated.

Journal-ling, diary writing whatever you want to call it is therapeutic. In times like this why did I hesitate?

That seems to be my Modus Operandi- my way of doing things. I've always been pragmatic and I like to think things through. I also know I'm guilty of putting my needs last. I'm learning to work on that.

It's been a year for the books.  And again I did things my own way- thoughtfully, carefully. every detail considered and weighed. Plans put into place and lists made. Until recently I wasn't able to click Publish.   

The break down of a marriage isn't something I have a lot of experience with.  Either is helping my kids navigate the new world of us co- parenting while living separately.

So you can imagine my hesitation.

It's been a year since I chose to leave my marriage. That being said and after a lot of reflection, I had in reality left a long time before.

Being in a different physical location put a lot of things into perspective.  It brought to light a hundred little details that I had chosen to overlook while sharing a household. These details are constant reminders that I have made a good choice for me.

Although it took me a very long time to make that decision.
Maybe too long. With time I have become bitter.
But I am careful not to show it.
I think this slight bitterness is anger at myself for not making the choice sooner.
Curse my sensible nature.

I think as women we always try to please, it's the way most of us are brought up. The peace keepers, the 'mothers' the nurses and managers- the ones that are the GLUE. Our role in life. I came to the point where I couldn't continue to just do what was expected and continue on. I am sure there are millions of women in that same situation who continue on because it's what is expected of them by our world. Can't be a quitter- fearful of judgement.  But in reality -  few are judging, and those that do, shouldn't. 
So why hesitate? 

Now that a full year has gone by and the reality of the dissolution is almost final. The ugly matters of the house and finances need to be dealt with.

When I walk into that house now, it doesn't feel like my home. It's not the same four walls that seemed to hold so much promise as we welcomed our little people into the world.  Maybe I romanticized what life was going to be like and as I left disappointed I had myself partially to blame. My best efforts weren't enough, and I grew more and more bitter about my situation so I chose to leave. I cut my losses and am moving on.

That little house will soon be someone else's and I am sure as I begin to pack up 16 years of living this week I won't have any regrets.  There's no time for that,  it's time to look ahead at a new start.
I plan to be busy re defining my role in life- as a parent first and always but with the ability and  freedom to make decisions based on my and my children's needs. 

A friend asked me if I was afraid of being alone, I answered by saying you can be in a relationship and still be alone.
Being alone isn't something I am fearful of. I am only alone if I choose to be.   Besides, I'm good company and a little 'alone time' is probably a good thing.

The year ahead will be full of new experiences and hopefully some adventures and I am looking forward to them all - shared with my kids.   No Hesitation.