Here I sit. At a computer, like I've done for days on end for many years. And I'm feeling a bit defeated. I have to go back to work.
I've just applied for a position within a terrific organisation and it hit me, like a tonne of bricks. Not that I'm disappointed in the job that I have applied for, in fact I would probably really enjoy it.
Disappointed because I'm going to have to give up on pursuing something that I was really excited about and something that I know, deep down I would be great at-being an Educational Assistant or you may know them as TA's. I've been working at the Kid's school for the past year, helping out at lunch and I came to realise that working with kids was what I always should have been doing. I love it.
Working at the school brought me back to many years ago, where I was studying for my Education Degree. Then I reflected on all my other "kid oriented" work. Nanny, swim instructor, camp councillor, coach and of course mom. This was work that was rewarding and made me happy. It's funny how life's paths can bring you back to where you began in the first place. Zigging instead of zagging, going left at the fork in the road instead of right. All roads lead you back.
I haven't had a passion for anything like this before. I am embarrassed to admit that in my entire career as an adult, I have had no passion for my work outside my home. none. zip. zero.
Don't get me wrong. I have a good work ethic, and I pride myself in a job well done. I strongly identify myself with my work and it's results. But I have come to realise that I need something to be passionate about. I need to get excited. I need to know that I am serving a purpose.
But sadly I have lost the gift of time and cannot afford the waiting game any longer.
My situation, like many is that we have to have two working parents. This is the reality. This is what needs to be done. So I will do it. I am fortunate to have had the luxury of time to focus on parenting and I always knew in my heart this day was coming.
It's the times, and I want my kids to have every opportunity. I owe, I owe, so off to work I go...
Am I sad to be applying for jobs that I have traditionally had in the past. Not really. Because it's familiar and I know I'm good at that type of work. Is it the worst thing to have to go back into the work force and see people every day that can feed themselves and talk about other things besides what happened on the playground. Definitely not the worst thing I can think of.
Was my SAHM experiment a failure? In some ways. Not because I failed, but forces beyond my control have forced my hand.
I joke that my next husband will be wealthy.
Now I had better go put a bra on and get some shit done.
Because you know I mean business when I put on underwear.