Monday, March 4, 2013

A conspiracy against me

Well March has come in like a Lion and we are confined to the house due to heavy snow and a sick kid.
A perfect opportunity to do a little 'light' house keeping.

However, I am becoming suspicious about one of the members of my house hold and his motives.

The cat.

He appears innocent enough, responds to petting and meows at all the right times, but I suspect he's up to no good and is trying to thwart my cleaning efforts. (Thwart-very awesome and much underused word that I will attempt to use more)

It began with an attempted tripping in the hallway this morning as I stumbled out of bed. After I cursed his name and his Mother's he sat quietly in the middle of the corridor and adorably tilted his head and looked at me like nothing had happened. Tricky bastard.

He then silently stalked me while I peed and caught my foot with a sharpened nail by stealthily fishing his paw under the bathroom door. Very Kubrick.

Then his tactics took on a more aggressive approach- hissing at me while I swept the kitchen floor, pouncing on the beds as I pulled up the sheets and blankets. And then actually resorting to hiding under the blankets while I made the bed in an attempt to mount a sneak attack- fortunately I was able to determine the lump in the bed wasn't my husband's socks and in fact the cat.

His efforts became desperate as he attempted to trip me on the stairs while I was carrying a basket of laundry. (I'm not going to lie- it was a close call.) As I wander the house dusting and putting away toys, I can't help but notice that I'm being watched. In every room where I stop I can feel his eyes on me- burning the back of my neck. I can almost feel his hatred for my presence. Even as I type this he's positioned himself  beside me- purring-waiting for the perfect moment to thwart my writing efforts and erase all of my work by lying on the keyboard. (see how I worked thwart in there again? - awesome!)

I know what you're up to cat-    

You're going to have to learn to share the house with us. We're going to be here day in and day out. Interrupting your 22 hours of sleep by making noise. Your efforts to assassinate me will be in vain and I will still continue to feed you and clean your stinky litter box. Because that's how I roll.

Like it or lump it cat- now get the hell out of the warm, clean laundry that I just placed on the couch to fold. Because I'm the boss. "I'm the boss!"- I hiss at him as I pass his latest sleeping spot and he gives me the
f-u bitch glare and takes a swipe at me as I walk past.

Youtube is awesome and there are far too many people on the planet with cats and video cameras- enjoy some cat attacks

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